Imagine my surprise, then, when I received an invitation to apply for the exclusive Black Card from VISA, which (according to [...]]]> To the best of my knowledge, I’m not a pretentious jerk-wad. Nor is my ego inflated by enticements of luxury and exclusivity. I’ve never owned a “Members-only” jacket, if that means anything at all.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I received an invitation to apply for the exclusive Black Card from VISA, which (according to the marketing mumbo-jumbo) is the world’s most prestigious and versatile credit card. The invitation exuded exclusivity and hubris. After all, why would I want to use a credit card that common people (riff-raff) use when I can show the world my elegant distinction with the swanky black card?

Um, I call bollocks!

Before I deconstruct the BS that is the mentality allowing the Black Card to exist, here are the card’s bullet points:

• Limited Membership
• 24-Hour Concierge Service
• Exclusive Rewards Program
• Luxury Gifts
• Patent Pending Carbon Card
• Annual Fee $495

You read that right – the annual fee, just for the so-called privilege of carrying the card, is $495 per year. And what does that staggering membership fee grant you, other than the privilege of looking like an idiot? Here’s the unedited text of the advert:

For those who demand only the best of what life has to offer, the exclusive VISA Black Card is for you. The Black Card is not just another piece of plastic. Made with carbon, it is the ultimate buying tool.

The Black Card is not just for everyone. In fact, it is limited to only 1% of U.S. residents to ensure the highest caliber of personal service is provided to every Cardmember. Made with carbon, the Visa Black Card is guaranteed to get you noticed.

Become a Black Card member today and enjoy our 24-hour world class Concierge Service ready to assist you with all your business, travel and leisure needs.

This, to me, is nothing more than PR spin. Why in the world does a credit card need to be prestigious anyway? That’s like food or beverages that need to be extreme. Are there really people out there who are so insecure that they feel the need to stroke their egos by plinking down a prestigious credit card on a store counter versus a normal one? I pity them.

I say, that's quite an exquisite credit card.

The marketing-geniuses behind the Black Card want you to believe that you are a superior human being. You are so superior, in fact, that you deserve, nay, DEMAND only the best of what life has to offer. You shouldn’t be caught dead carrying an ordinary credit card. Common people use those! And you’re not common, are you?

As a new Black Card member, people will notice you. Women will throw themselves at you. Men will line up to give you high-fives. Peasants and other mere-mortals will make sweeping bows as you walk by.

In fact, here is how a typical scene will play out every time you make a purchase with your card:

Hot store clerk: The total is $29.50.

VISA Black Cardmember: Here you go (hands over Black card).

Hot store clerk: Nice card. I definitely notice you and feel an uncontrollable urge to sleep with you right now.

VISA Black Cardmember: That sounds great. It’s too bad I have such a small penis.

Yeah, I went there. This brings us to the crux of the matter. The creators of the VISA Black Card take advantage of the one thing that allows such a ridiculous card to exist: INSECURITY. It preys upon people’s feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, talented enough, successful enough, or satisfied enough with their bodily endowments. These feelings are natural. We are all humans, after all.

Insecurity drives people to attempt to make up for their perceived shortcomings in other ways: by flaunting wealth, by driving souped-up cars and revving engines annoyingly in public, by keeping up with the Jones’, and by paying exorbitant fees for an exclusive credit card.

Seriously, why in the world should one credit card be perceived as more elite than another? I don’t buy it. A credit card is a tool that serves a purpose. It’s not a status symbol. And people who pay $495 a year for a credit card that promises recognition, exclusivity, and the lure of luxury gifts lead insecure, pathetic lives. These people deserve pity, not the best of what life has to offer.

VISA’s slogan for the Black Card is: The World Awaits. Hey VISA, I propose a few slogans for your marketing team to consider.

Alternative slogans

VISA Black Card – Drowning in debt has never been more stylish!

VISA Black Card – THE card for people with more money than brains!

VISA Black Card – Show the world what a douche you are!

Zero percent at Flagstar

Zero percent! Wow! Sign me up! I have thousands of dollars in my mattress that [...]]]> Could interest rates for savings accounts possibly be headed for zero percent? Flagstar seems to think so! As I was updating the Savings Rate Wiki this morning, I couldn’t help but gawk at Flagstar’s astonishing new rate:

Zero percent at Flagstar

Zero percent! Wow! Sign me up! I have thousands of dollars in my mattress that I want to give them immediately.

On the other hand, if savings rates were at 0%, you wouldn’t have to worry about declaring interest on your income taxes. Hmmm….

Alas, the rock-bottom rate seems to have been a fluke, at least for now. The rate is back up to 2.65%. Was it just an error, or could it have been a prophecy? I suppose we will all find out soon.

Where will it stop? Allow me to make a (hopefully erroneous) prediction – interest rates will hit 1.0% by Summer 2009.

See for yourself.

Alas, I regret to say that my prediction has come true, albeit [...]]]> Back on 30 January 2008, I made a prediction. In response to the Fed cutting the rate down to 3%, I wrote:

Where will it stop? Allow me to make a (hopefully erroneous) prediction – interest rates will hit 1.0% by Summer 2009.

See for yourself.

Alas, I regret to say that my prediction has come true, albeit about 8 months early! Today, the Federal Reserve slashed the Funds Rate all the way down to 1%. What does this mean? It means we can probably kiss our 3% savings accounts good-bye!

Just call me Nostradamus.

Since I am now such a widely revered prophet, I will graciously and generously bestow upon my readers five answers to your question about the future. Free of charge!

Behold! Nostradamus speaketh!

Q: How low will the Federal Funds Rate go?

A: By October  2009, the Funds Rate will actually hit Absolute Zero.

Q: How long will this recession last?

A: 42, naturally.

Q: Who will win the 2008 Presidential Election? McCain or Obama?

A: Neither. Ron Paul will win a landslide victory by write-in votes. His first executive order will be to tar-and-feather Bernanke and Paulson.

Q: So far this century we’ve seen both the dot-com and the housing bubbles burst. What bubble will inflate next? Gold? Oil? The Dollar?

A: No, no, no. Tulips.

Q: Do you have any winning lottery ticket numbers for me?

A: Uh, sure. But if you win, you have to cut me in at 3%, or whatever the current Fed Funds rate is, whichever is higher. On second thought, let’s just stick to 3%.

Here they are: 4-16-24-35-51-14. Wait a minute, maybe there should be a 42 in there somewhere….

Thus spake Nostradamus!

I am sorry to hear that you have not been feeling well lately. However, I have some news that might cheer you up! Last night, my wife and I did something that we haven’t done in a long time. No, not that, you pervert. Ahem… we drove our car. Furthermore, we bought [...]]]> Dear Economy,

I am sorry to hear that you have not been feeling well lately. However, I have some news that might cheer you up! Last night, my wife and I did something that we haven’t done in a long time. No, not that, you pervert. Ahem… we drove our car. Furthermore, we bought gas.

I only mention this because it’s such a rare thing for us to do. You see, my wife and I live in a glorious little town with excellent public transportation. We also make great use of our glorious little bicycles. As a result, we only buy gas every few months. Before last night, the last time we bought gas was in early June.

We only drove our car because we went out to eat at a glorious little restaurant. You’d like it. It’s a local place, middle-eastern cuisine. It’s popular in our town for its uniqueness, attractive prices, and delicious food. The Greek/Turkish coffee is amazing!

We chose to eat there for two reasons: 1) We like supporting local places instead of big chains, and 2) we have a discount diner’s card that gave us a free meal with the purchase of another meal. We had two regular meals and coffee for a grand total of $13.

I realize that in order to make you feel the tiniest fraction better, I should have paid full price instead of using the discount card. Sorry about that. However, if it’s any consolation to you, I DID pay with a credit card!

Except… the credit card that I use gives me 5% back at restaurants. Except… I pay my bill in full every month. Again, I realize that I should give you a little boost by paying minimum balances, but I just can’t seem to help myself. Apologies.

Come to think of it, I doubt any of the dozens of sign-up offers I’ve taken advantage of in the last couple of years helped you at all, have they? Sure, those extra thousands of dollars in side income came in handy, but I bet they helped ME a lot more than they helped you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I somehow feel the tiniest-bit responsible for your current malady. Instead of being foolish with my money, I save. Instead of making impulse purchases, I resist. Instead of driving a gas guzzler, I bike. Instead of going out to eat every day, we cook at home. Heck, I’m even earning interest on my “economic stimulus” check! Have I made my point?

For all of these responsible acts, I apologize. I should have had your best interests at heart instead of my own. Only then, I might ask, would you be willing to give me a personal bailout?

Get well soon! I assure you that I’m doing my best to get you back on track, even if my best is only one tank of gas a quarter.

Wishing you a speedy recovery,

Mr. B

800-293-1621

After scratching my head for a few minutes, I realized this is the [...]]]> This is a bit off-topic from my usual entries, but in glancing through the numerous search queries people have typed in order to find my site (this month), I stumbled upon a few rather interesting ones and thought I would share them here.

800-293-1621

After scratching my head for a few minutes, I realized this is the phone number for the E-Trade security department, and as a result of my wrestling match with them earlier this year, I’m currently the top hit for that particular search query.

etrade bankrupt

Really? That’s one I haven’t heard yet. But hey, I read it on the internet, so it must be true!

disregard information sent in error

Sure thing, boss. Consider it disregarded. Oh, I’ll have those TPS reports to you by five.

who owns fnbo direct?

That’s a good question. Are there any other questions? Perhaps you should feast your eyes on their executive profiles page.

apology for email sent

Apology accepted!

i have to drive a crappy car

Sorry to hear that, though I wish you’d explain why it causes you so much consternation. Actually… wait, is that you, Jim?

Yes. Yes it is. Run for cover now before it’s too late! Abandon all of your worthless US dollars before [...]]]> In the past few days, we have witnessed the 50-point rate slash by the Fed and parity between the US and Canadian dollar. Now, savings interest rates have been dropping like flies. Is the sky falling?

Yes. Yes it is. Run for cover now before it’s too late! Abandon all of your worthless US dollars before banks actually make YOU pay interest just to have them in your possession. Tell you what: I’ll hang onto them for you while you make a fast getaway. Yes, I’ll bear that burden for you out of the goodness of my heart. No, don’t let my sacrifice worry you, just keep running!

Oh no! The interest rate on my E-loan savings account just went straight down the toilet! It’s now only at a pitiful 5% interest rate. Gasp!

My sources tell me that ING Direct, already the least competitive online bank, has also plummeted from 4.5% to terrifying 4.3%! Those of you suffering through their horribly intuitive website interface and competent customer service – get out now before you owe them money!

Speaking of money, the US dollar now has the same value as the Canadian “loonie”? That does it! From now on, I’ll only accept my paychecks in gold nuggets! Or maybe Denver nuggets.

Chicken nuggets?

Without fail, millions of Americans begin a feverish scramble sometime around the middle of April in order to pay their taxes. I propose that one can potentially save [...]]]> You work hard to earn your money. That’s why I’m here to tell you how to hang onto more of it, no matter the cost!

• Stop paying taxes!

Without fail, millions of Americans begin a feverish scramble sometime around the middle of April in order to pay their taxes. I propose that one can potentially save hundreds/thousands of dollars by making one ever-so-slight adjustment: stop paying. That’s right. Perhaps it’s time to stop giving Uncle Sam his yearly allowance. What has he done lately to deserve it?

Not paying taxes also has a nice, ancillary benefit. Just think of all the time saved and stress relieved by not whipping oneself into a frenzy around tax time. Let all the other suckers worry giving the Man his due – our time is valuable and better spent on other tasks, such as fishing.

Naturally, if you can actually swindle Uncle Sam into giving YOU money, then by all means, go for it. Otherwise, forget about it! Now that I think about it, you can save even more by abandoning your monthly bills. With luck, the companies won’t even notice that you stopped generously opening up your wallet to them each month.

• Sell your house, buy a tent!

If you’re a homeowner, you know all too well about mortgage payments, property tax, escrow, and other factors that greedily consume your monthly earnings. To add insult to injury, homes also require maintenance. Appliances can break, paint can peel, and the grass is always growing. Even if you rent, you’re still throwing money away each month. I personally spend about $1,000 a month on my home.

Here’s an idea: sell your house! With the money that you gain, you can easily buy a nice 3-season tent. Set up camp in the woods somewhere (or at least in your neighbor’s lawn), and start living the good life. Tents don’t require much maintenance and are highly portable to boot! Want a change of scenery? Roll up your new home, toss it in a bag, and survey your surroundings for a new potential residence. If the weather takes a turn for the worse, you can always move your home to a covered area, such as the Wal-Mart sporting goods section.

Just think: all the money you save on rent/mortgage payments can be invested in a high-yield savings account.

If you insist on paying your bills and keeping your house, then here is a new idea:

• Minimalize Personal Hygiene!

From about the start of middle school through the start of retirement, people are obsessed with image. One’s hygiene can be an influential factor in one’s societal acceptance. However, a spiffy image comes at a cost – the latest cosmetic products and services cost more than they’re worth, but it’s all in the name of improving one’s image, right?

Wrong. I propose a new trend: minimal hygiene! For starters, let’s cut showers down to once a week. Immediately you will slash your overall water bill by roughly two-thirds every month! If in the middle of the week your body odor becomes too intense, resist opting for a second shower. Instead, try standing outside during a rainstorm or taking a midnight dip in a neighbor’s swimming pool. For added olfactory alleviation, visit your nearby shopping malls and browse the perfume/cologne sections of stores. Apply liberally from the sample bottles. That should quell your growing stench for a few more days.

Secondly, eliminate any and all extraneous products, such as hairspray (or gel), makeup, and deodorant. Knock on your neighbor’s door twice a day when you need toothpaste. I’m sure they won’t mind. I still recommend flossing. When you have to use the bathroom, make a beeline for the nearest gas station or grocery store, or simply grab a large leaf from a nearby tree. You can save dozens of dollars on toilet paper that way! While you’re at it, go ahead and stop shaving. Razor blades are expensive, and they don’t grow on trees (unlike toilet paper).

Sure, your life will be a little more… smelly, but the money you will save with your new”minimal hygiene” image will be well worth it. If your friends inquire as to your new malodorous offensiveness, just add up the numbers for them and enlighten them as to how much smarter you are for saving money. Consider it your new fashion trend. You can even use it as a “conversation starter” when looking for that special someone in your life.

• You are what you don’t eat!

Let’s face it: America is a growing country, especially in girth. Most people consume far more calories per day than they need, which translates into hefty grocery bills and money spent dining out each month.

While many people advise clipping coupons and dining out only once a week, I propose a more drastic measure: stop eating! Naturally, one cannot stop eating permanently (though the savings would be significant – while you last!), one can easily reduce the amount of money spent on food by about 90%.

Try these simple methods. Limit your food budget to a maximum of $10 per week. If you buy only Ramen noodles and eat them once or twice a day, you can have enough money left over at the end of the week for some day-old doughnuts. What a nice reward!

If you must dine out, ask a friend to join you. When the bill arrives, push it toward him/her and thank them graciously for inviting you to dinner. Smile a lot.

Here are some other money-saving ideas: pop into hotels each morning to take advantage of their complimentary breakfasts. If you hear of any presentations or receptions, stick your head in the door to see if they have free Oreos and coffee. Many banks offer a complimentary tray of cookies for their customers. Since banks rip people off anyway, feel a smug sense of vindication as you sweep their entire tray of goodies into a grocery bag. Complain to their customer service representatives if the cookies are raisin instead of chocolate chip.

Take the hundreds of dollars you save each month and invest it in mutual funds. With any luck, perhaps you can eat when you retire.

Yes, if you can’t tell, the above post is written “tongue-in-cheek.” If you enjoyed this article, please subscribe to my feed for future updates.